At the end, before they release you back out into the wild, you sit quietly for a few minutes with your crackers and juice.  I’m not entirely sure what the post-donation crackers and juice do, to be honest — whether they’re immediately replacing lost-fluids and getting your blood sugar back up, or whether it gives you something to do for five minutes so the nurses on duty can make sure you’re not going to faint and that the venipuncture site isn’t going to start bleeding again.

Either way, this morning I was sitting at the front of the bus, people-watching while munching on my peanut butter crackers, and I caught the eye of a passing pedestrian.

And felt immediately ashamed for being a heavy woman eating peanut butter crackers in semi-public at 10:00 on a Wednesday morning.

It’s not that guy’s fault.  He was looking up at the bus, probably curious as to what it was parked there for.  He didn’t make a face, didn’t even really react to my presence.  I’m not sure how much of my reaction was triggered by his own appearance — he was surfer-dude handsome in business casual dress.    Would I have felt the shame if it had been a woman my age?  My weight?

I don’t know.

Thankfully, my brain immediately kicked back in and said, “Hey, dumbass, you just gave blood.  As in, you just helped three people you don’t even know with your donation.  Anyone who has a problem with you eating crackers can fuck right off.”

There’s a lot to unpack here –about my own self-esteem, the way I think others perceive me/my body, how much of that is due to the way the media says I ought to look, and a hojillion other things.  I read a lot of feminist blogs, and blogs about Health at Every Size and Fat Acceptance, so intuitively I know why I felt that way.  Still, it was disconcerting how visceral my reaction was.

I know this is a fairly substance-less post.  I’m mostly leaving this here while I parse it all and will hopefully have something more coherent to say about it in a day or so, but if you’ve had a similar experience, please feel free to hop in with a comment.

Of course, the downside of  three out of four new recipes is that there are even more glitches than just trying one or two new ones.  My usual “I suck, who do I think I’m kidding?” devil that likes sitting on my shoulderwhen I’m writing came dangerously close to hanging out for my baking adventures.

In the end, though, I’m going to say it was a success (not a huge one, and there was no delicious, moist cake), but a success either way.

I started with what should have been the easy stuff:  peppermint bark.  I mean, really, all you do is smash some candy canes to smithereens, melt dark chocolate, pour it onto a baking sheet, then melt white chocolate, pour it atop the mostly-dried dark chocolate, and sprinkle the obliterated candy cane bits over it while still melty.

Simple, right?

And it would have been.  Should have been.  I had the peppermint smashy part down, and the dark chocolate melted and poured.  That part went just fine, though I felt slightly guilty for using the melt-by-microwave rather than the melt-by-double-boiler method.  Slightly.

The problem came with the white chocolate.

See, Ghirardelli white chocolate chips are not, in fact, actual white chocolate.  Therefore, they don’t melt like white chocolate.  Now, had I bought generic no-name white chocolate chips, this wouldn’t have surprised me.  But, I dunno, I expected that Ghirardelli would be the real thing. Hence why I bought the white chocolate chips in the first place, and didn’t just go straight to the bars.

Nope.  After a few short microwaving bursts, all I had was a lumpy mess of ick in my bowl, and rapidly cooling dark chocolate in the pan.

Thankfully, this could be salvaged. I had, in my cabinet o’bakey things, a single bar of real white chocolate.  Half the amount I needed, but it was better than nothing.  That melted and poured as it should have, though the pan looked a little sad only half-covered.  Not that I’m complaining.  I have leftover peppermint-flavored dark chocolate waiting for either a new use or simple gleeful consumption.

Then came the fudge.  It’s probably also very much a beginner fudge, since it’s from the Never-Fail Fudge recipe on the back of the jars of Marshmallow Fluff.  The woman who used to live next door to my parents made it all the time, and it looked easy enough.  Which, really, it was.  The hard part was getting the fluff out of the jar, and the line about “being careful not to mistake escaping air bubbles for boiling.”

Because of course that meant I spent a lot of time second-guessing myself:  Is it really boiling?  I think it is, but am I mistaking air bubbles for boiling?  They wouldn’t put that on there if it wasn’t a common mistake, right?  No, it’s boiling, I’m just being an idiot.  Wait, am I sure?

Welcome to my head.  In the end, it came out fine, maybe a little softer than I hoped, but it’s still fudge, damn it.

However, let me tell you, the fluff/evaporated milk goo that I sloshed over the side of the pot was not fun to clean up.

Then.

Oh, then.

Sunday afternoon, I decided it was time to try my hand at biscotti.  Something tasty to dip in my coffee in the morning, something not necessarily difficult, but at least a little complicated.

First off:  hazelnuts.  Fuck them and their impossible shells.  I am not in the possession of a nutcracker, so the breaking open in the first round had to be done with a heavy-bottomed pot.  Therapeutic, but loud, and if I went too hard on the smashy, I ended up with hazelnut bits that didn’t lend themselves to toasting, really.  Then came the toasting, and I dunno.  Something went wrong.  The recipe said to stick ‘em in the oven for 15 minutes, but when they came out, not only did the skins not want to come off, but the majority of the hazelnuts were over-toasted.

And the dough was unruly.

I followed the recipe exactly, but when the mixer got going, rather than forming “a stiff dough,” it remained at a cake batter consistency.  At some point I stood there, spatula in hand, debating whether to add flour or just give up and bake it like a cake and see what happened.

Instead, I shoved the bowl of not-dough in the fridge and walked away, munching on over-toasted hazelnuts and fuming.

Yesterday, I pulled the bowl out of there, gave it a warning glare, and set it on the counter to come up to room temperature while I performed Hazelnut Massacre II.  This time, rather than the poor pot, I used our meat tenderizer thing to break the nuts out of their shells.  Easier to concentrate the smashy force that way.  Thank you, Alton Brown, for teaching me that most kitchen tools can have multiple uses.

While the new nuts were a-toasting, I turned back to the dough to figure out how to fix it.

I didn’t have to.  Somehow, overnight, it had gone from batter consistency to — gasp — dough.  I’m still not sure how or why that happened.  The Lovely Anna asked if maybe I’d overworked the it to start, which is possible, though I still maintain I didn’t.  That sucker was never dough-like, at all.  But after resting overnight, there it was, so, yeah.  It was probably me, somewhere.

This time, the hazelnuts came out okay, and most of the skins came off without too much of a fight.  I folded them into the dough, shaped it into logs before it decided to turn back into goo, and popped ‘em into the oven for the first round o’baking.  When I pulled them out and sliced them up, they actually looked like biscotti.  And, sampling them after the second round of baking, I think they came out all right after all.

Thus, they’ve been dubbed The Little Biscotti That Could.  I wish I’d taken pictures for you lot so you could see the progression from fail to kind of proud of myself.

(Though, my plan to be all fancy with them was foiled by the white chocolate fiasco above.  That bar I had in reserve was supposed to be melted and the ends of the biscotti dipped in it…)

Needing to feel like I could get at least one thing right on the first try, I made a batch of plain ol’ chocolate chip cookies, too. Success!  Though, I’ve noticed that my “rounded tablespoons” tend to get bigger towards the end of the batch.  Not that I end up with monster cookies, but my batch ended up being 32 cookies instead of the 50 the recipe said I’d end up with.

I’m okay with this.

Ingredients:

1 9 oz package of Nabisco’s Famous Chocolate Wafers
2 cups heavy cream
1 tsp vanilla extract

—

Add vanilla to heavy cream, whip.

Take the chocolate wafer cookies and add about 1 tbsp to the backs, kind of like you’re making an oreo. Only STACK them on their sides. Make little log of cookies and cream until you’re out of cookies.  Take leftover whipped cream and frost that bad cat. Stick it in the fridge for four hours or so, then cut on the diagonal to serve.  If you want, you can garnish it with cocoa powder or shaved chocolate.  Mmmm.

Bonus: there will inevitably be broken cookies in your package.  Clearly, you need to scoop the last vestiges of whipped cream up on them after your icebox cake is in the fridge.

Pictures of the ingredients, because the Nabisco wafer cookies can be really hard to find (they’re usually up on one of the top shelves in the cookie aisle at our supermarkets.)  (Also, please to ignore the lack of backsplash behind my stove.  It’s on the list of Projects to Get Done This Summer, No, Really, We Mean It This Year):

You can’t see them, but there are broken cookies inside the box that were gleefully consumed moments after this picture was taken.

Which means Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

Only the best candy in the world, ever.

I resisted, somehow, but my willpower will only hold out for so long…

Falconesse’s list of shit to get done in 2009

• Eat better – I was very not good over the holidays, and the gdoc over on the sidebar had lapsed long before that.  In the interest of being a less slacktastic blogger, I’m going to try sharing recipes that don’t suck at least once a week.
• Practice my guitar more.  I really would like to not suck at it.
• Book reviews!  I intended to spend more of my break reading and failed miserably.  Time to get back into it.  The to-be-read pile could be a post on its own (and probably will be.)
• Write more. This is the biggest one.  Several WoW-posts are a-brewing.  I’m a wee bit behind on at least one, and there’s another I’ve been considering for a while.  Time to get working.  I need to revisit and resubmit “Kate.”  And I still think one of my ficlets needs to be an actual short story.  For longer works, Hill and I need to get back to Nin, and I ought to choose one of the Ever-present Three that are kicking around in my head.

I think it’s time for a new blog look, too.  This template feels a wee bit dark, as much as I like it.  More poking about to come.

No, we’re not going completely vegetarian by any means, but I realize that there are certainly ways we could cut back and improve our eating habits. I know if I go and stand in a bookstore and stare at the wall o’cookbooks, it’s going to intimidate and overwhelm me. Some of the dishes in there will seem way too fancy/complicated/involved and it’ll just languish on my bookshelf.

So, tell me what you eat. Are there brands/products I should always have on hand? Are there ones I should run screaming away from at the store? I am certainly open to suggestions from the carnivores here, too – my goal is to collect healthy recipes in general, so they don’t all have to be meatless.

And if your’e curious, this weekend I decided to kick my ass back into gear and get back on track with Weight Watchers. But, rather than filling up this blog with food-oriented posts, I started up a google doc and published it for anyone who cares to follow along. I’ll toss a link over there in the sidebar, but for now, you can find it here.